It's almost 3 am in Portugal. Tonight I don't want to go to bed and I'll wake up sonner. I fell very far from myself. I know this life is not what makes me happy (although I know happiness comes from inside). I look around me and I see comfort: I've a place to sleep, I've food, I've an internet connection that allows me to get knowledge, I'm healthy (although not felling healthy because my mind is not still as it was and also because my feeding habits became complete wrong and addicted the very well-known drug named sugar). I believe everything in life as a reason to happen and I also believe that is always possible to find a (positive) lesson on everything that happens to us, good and bad. Right now my spine hurts a lot... I still can't deal with some feelings - I'm working on it; very difficult sometimes. I don't feel happy because I don't feel comfortable in this comfort, because it is expected from me to become a person that will have a regular job, get a regular house, a regular car, possibly an "regular" man and built a family. I don't want this. I don't want anything; what makes me feel sad is that is very hard to explain to have no ambitions not because I'm lazy but because I don't see things as "have more, to become happier". So this is a problem: I don't fit and I do not desire to fit. The only thing that I would like to be is a mum, if it's possible. If not, the only thing that satisfies me is to give love, give for the sake of give (also very hard to explain), and to teach, to give an hand to a child. I don't care about money (altgouh I do understand is relevance in certain fundamental things), luxuries and so on - I can wake up every day hear the birds singing while sun is rising, hear the leaves dancing with the wind, I can look at an ant or a drop of water; and I'm healthy. Because I don't know how to deal with this frustration of have to be someone by having those ordinary things that I described above, I'm always on a dreamy mode. And I realized that my life is stuck since 2 years ago and what scares me is not "fail" because failure doesn’t even exist in my point of view. What scares me is that I dream too much to forget about this present sadness. And when I look at it I realized that I'm so far from myself and so far for the simple life that I pursuit... So tonight I'm about to go to bed with this thought: being honest to myself and build something from the point where I am right now. It's very hard to be honest to myself on certain things, because I can't see the solution. I only believe in love and I believe that only a few things are important in this life so full of too much emptiness (material things). But how can I build a simple life and be a mum at the same time? It's two totally different lifes. Sometimes I wonder were the wind is taking me... After all I’m 27 and although I feel I reach a better knowledge from the inside, I didn’t accomplish anything external (finish my two bachelors and a get a real job) so I will continue to be misjudged and that, sometimes, is very hard to deal. I've no idea why I keep on writing… Being honest to ourselves and focus on where we are right... today I'm going to sleep better. Thank you. Thank for your post.
It's almost 3 am in Portugal. Tonight I don't want to go to bed and I'll wake up sonner.
ReplyDeleteI fell very far from myself. I know this life is not what makes me happy (although I know happiness comes from inside). I look around me and I see comfort: I've a place to sleep, I've food, I've an internet connection that allows me to get knowledge, I'm healthy (although not felling healthy because my mind is not still as it was and also because my feeding habits became complete wrong and addicted the very well-known drug named sugar). I believe everything in life as a reason to happen and I also believe that is always possible to find a (positive) lesson on everything that happens to us, good and bad. Right now my spine hurts a lot... I still can't deal with some feelings - I'm working on it; very difficult sometimes.
I don't feel happy because I don't feel comfortable in this comfort, because it is expected from me to become a person that will have a regular job, get a regular house, a regular car, possibly an "regular" man and built a family. I don't want this. I don't want anything; what makes me feel sad is that is very hard to explain to have no ambitions not because I'm lazy but because I don't see things as "have more, to become happier". So this is a problem: I don't fit and I do not desire to fit. The only thing that I would like to be is a mum, if it's possible. If not, the only thing that satisfies me is to give love, give for the sake of give (also very hard to explain), and to teach, to give an hand to a child. I don't care about money (altgouh I do understand is relevance in certain fundamental things), luxuries and so on - I can wake up every day hear the birds singing while sun is rising, hear the leaves dancing with the wind, I can look at an ant or a drop of water; and I'm healthy. Because I don't know how to deal with this frustration of have to be someone by having those ordinary things that I described above, I'm always on a dreamy mode. And I realized that my life is stuck since 2 years ago and what scares me is not "fail" because failure doesn’t even exist in my point of view. What scares me is that I dream too much to forget about this present sadness. And when I look at it I realized that I'm so far from myself and so far for the simple life that I pursuit... So tonight I'm about to go to bed with this thought: being honest to myself and build something from the point where I am right now. It's very hard to be honest to myself on certain things, because I can't see the solution. I only believe in love and I believe that only a few things are important in this life so full of too much emptiness (material things). But how can I build a simple life and be a mum at the same time? It's two totally different lifes. Sometimes I wonder were the wind is taking me... After all I’m 27 and although I feel I reach a better knowledge from the inside, I didn’t accomplish anything external (finish my two bachelors and a get a real job) so I will continue to be misjudged and that, sometimes, is very hard to deal.
I've no idea why I keep on writing…
Being honest to ourselves and focus on where we are right... today I'm going to sleep better. Thank you. Thank for your post.